He knew this was the last time he would lace up his boots with his teammates. This would be the last time he would step onto the pitch as a state-level footballer. There was only a feeling of nervous anticipation as he prepared for the last football game of his semi-professional career. The cup finals match against Perth SC would be the long-time Sorrento Football Club striker’s sign off on an epic career.
The crowd was loud, cheering for their respective team as the players walked out onto the pitch. Conditions could have been better as clouds of rain soaked up the sunshine and before long, the game was underway. His team scored the first goal at the 20 minute mark, and then it was his time. His fairy-tale finish. 31 minutes into the game, Todd Harnwell scored his last career goal to double his teams lead and secure the Cool Ridge Cup win for Sorrento Football Club.
This is the introductory paragraphs to my first sports feature article. The feature was written for my Sports Journalism unit and was the final assessment that asked for a profile feature article on a sportsman or woman. Click Here for the full article and final submission. Click Here instead to view the edited version of the feature.
The first thing to point out is the addition of the second par, which can be seen in this post. I added this paragraph with the idea of creating a more suspenseful environment for the reader, instead of jumping straight into who the article was about. During the unit, you are taught to use all details available to you. If an interviewee describes how they walked along cobblestone streets during a dark, rainy night; I need to include this detail and paint a picture with what is available to me.
One of the most frustrating things after handing in an assignment is seeing all the changes that could have been made. Sometimes they are large changes like the addition of an introduction par. Other changes are smaller and more annoying. The use of the subjects first name was seen 21 times. Despite the fact we are taught to use the surname after first reference of the individual. While it became confusing to me when I spoke of the subjects brother, and I referenced them both by first name for several pars. The second copy of this feature shows the subjects first name cut down quite significantly.